Grief Doesn't Change Us, It Reveals Us

I came across a quote recently that got me thinking about the effects of grief on our lives and how we can reframe grief and loss to grow and change. 

I'll get to that quote in a moment, but first, I need to say a few things about my own grief and loss to better understand how that quote resonated with me so powerfully.  

Several years ago, my mom passed away and left a gaping hole in my family that will never fully close.  She was our family's loving, caring center, and her presence is sorely missed. 

It was also the death of a dream of mine in so many ways.  We moved to Austin with the intent of having our whole family, including my parents, under one roof, and we had the joy of that for almost a year. 

Her death marked the beginning of the end of that dream, and I've been grieving both for a very long time.  And now, there is more to grieve.  

For those of you who don't know, my wife and I decided to end our marriage after thirty-two years and are nearing the end of the divorce process.  It was a painful decision, but everything has been amicable, and we're doing our best to move forward as friends and co-parents.  

My youngest son and his mom will be moving to Florida permanently by the end of this year, and the house we bought for our whole family to live in together will be sold soon so I can downsize. 

While these are all things that must happen for us to move forward, they are still challenging experiences, and I find myself intensely feeling a lot of the old feelings of grief I thought had faded.  

Which brings me to the quote I mentioned above. 

It's from John Green's acclaimed book The Fault in Our Stars: 

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”

I've been thinking about this quote for a bit, and I have some reflections I'd like to share that I hope might be helpful to anyone going through a season of loss or who finds themselves feeling old feelings of grief that have returned.  

There's nothing tidy or orderly about grief.  It comes and goes, ebbs and flows, seemingly at will, and often strikes us when we least expect it.  

Everyone has a different process for working through their losses, and I've learned that you never really "get over it," which is disheartening for many of us.  

We have been conditioned to believe that we should "move on," have a "stiff upper lip," put our "best face forward," and use all the other epithets we bandy about when it comes to stuffing our feelings and trying to show the world around us that we're okay.  

I get it.  As a pastor, the temptation to act like everything is hunky-dory (even when it isn't) is always pretty intense.  

But as someone who preaches and teaches about the power of the Resurrection, I also know that even when my grief threatens to drive me to despair, there is more on the other side of whatever deaths I'm experiencing.  

Feeling the powerful emotions that accompany loss does not mean we are weak.  It means we are human.  But when our grief comes to define who we are, we essentially deny the power that Resurrection can have over our lives.  

I'd like to think that what my grief reveals about me is that I am doing my best to live in the hope of the faith I claim to have in God, albeit imperfectly.  I also hope it reveals how I cherished what has been lost, even as I know I must keep moving forward. 

I know there is more on the other side of all our losses and griefs. This is the power of Resurrection that can be revealed in us when we experience loss.  We can still feel the pain of loss, even as we hold firmly to the belief that there is new life and new beginnings ahead of us.  

May all of us feeling grief this day be comforted and challenged by this hope-filled belief.  

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us all, now and forever. Amen.